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OmegaXII
 Post subject: Re: A Thousand Suns
PostPosted: Thu Jul 28, 2011 10:38 am 
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awesome so far keep going
the sentence where it says "I had to get away from that seen." it should be scene

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MmCm6
 Post subject: Re: A Thousand Suns
PostPosted: Thu Jul 28, 2011 6:00 pm 
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Pretty good so far, but that scene with the guy shooting the others was sorta out of place. It's obvious that there was confusion and panic, but both don't seem to warrant a somewhat random act of violence. If you could have envisioned it as an act of getting a mode of transportation or clearing out an occupied safe zone, then that would have made more sense. Or if you want to keep the mood of confusion begetting violence, then you could get a similar effect by saying that instead of shooting, the guy starting ramming people with his car in an effort to escape, and that would have been consistent with the character's thoughts. (he's in a vehicle, and he's panicking as well, so he would've done the same if he was in a similar situation)

Anyways looking forward to the rest. :)

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